YOU CAN'T COPY MARRIAGE! FACE YOUR WORK!

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Good morning dears,

Remember this: DO NOT SEEK FOR YOUR MARRIAGE TO MEASURE UP TO ANY STANDARD! The union of marriage is a living entity and it is unique. NO TWO MARRIAGES ARE THE-SAME! Even if you have twin men marrying twin women on the same day by the-same officiator ... their respective marriages will still be different.

A lot of young men and women tend to tailor their marriage to that of a mentor or some other persons' marriage they admire. STOP IT! You are following the recipe to disaster.

Your marriage is unique. The dynamic you have with your spouse is special. Your history plays a huge role. The words/vows you exchanged and their implications, the core principles you agreed on as a unit, the expressions of love - the weight behind each of them, ... all these and more have an effect on the uniqueness of your marriage.

So you witnessed a husband command his wife in public and she responded meekly, you suddenly decided to try it out with your own wife?

haba!

A man cheated on his wife and she forgave him, so now you think it is unfair that your wife is not as forgiving as your friends?

ahah!

Every relationship has a story. This story is made indecipherable to others by the feelings / emotions YOU felt when experiencing it. This is why it's difficult explaining why married people do certains things they do. You see the wife breakdown absolutely and you wonder, why she is taking it so hard! Well, there is more to the story than she can possibly explain!

Stop these comparisons. Begin to appreciate the uniqueness of your union. What works for Couple A will not work for Couple B at the same level. Marriage is like a closed circuit. It is a complete connection where love (current) circulates. As much as it is a union of families, it is also a formation of A FAMILY. A UNIT. The genesis, journey, experiences, revelations in marriage are gained by the two principals in that marriage. No matter how close you are to the couple, you can never fully grasp the dynamic of their unique marriage. If you like live in the same house with them and monitor their every conversation day and night for the next 2 years. You can only but glimpse a part of what makes their marriage tick.

The UNITY in marriage is unique, sacrosanct. That is why Counselors must learn to refrain from teaching the participants how to act in their marriage. You (as a marriage counselor) can only act as an instigator - a catalyst to effect reconciliation but ultimately the steps have to be taken by the participants. Why? Marriages do not do well with foreign interferences. The moment you touch the meat in the pot of soup, you kick-start the process of "sour-ing" (spoiling) of the soup. Marriage is meant to be compact in its uniqueness. Enjoy your crazy relationship without messing it up with foreign concepts and ideas.

My wife and I once had neighbours whose marriage dynamic was a bit scary. I once had to intersect a knife stab between the couple. The wife took a knife to her husband and was really going to stab him. They had violent quarrels every few days. But what I noticed was that everybody who spoke against their union was summarily made an enemy by the couple. And after every quarrel, it seems their love only grew stronger because the woman always took in after such altercation. 12 years and 5 kids after, I ran across them going on a lovers stroll. I was amazed . The couple are still going stronger. Engaged in conversation with them, I realised that both of them can not even imagine being apart from each other. For couples such as these, voicing to them your idea / template of how marriage should be and you will discover that your template will not fit their marriage. Their unique marriage nevertheless DOES NOT negate or reduce the validity of their union nor the route they took to get to UNITY and their HAPPY FOREVER AFTER.

ALL MARRIAGES ARE DIFFERENT! Enjoy the uniqueness of yours. STOP COMPARISONS! When you are busy looking at another person's marriage, yours is suffering from NEGLECT!


- E. I. OPUTA

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